Couple's Dialogue
The Couple's Dialogue is the central therapeutic process in Imago Relationship Therapy and is often used during the couples counseling and marriage counseling sessions we hold here in New York City.
The more you can do this exercise successfully together, the less you’ll have need of a couples therapist. It can be used just as effectively by couples who wish to stay together and those who need to separate, especially where children are involved.
This couples counseling exercise will encourage you to listen accurately to what your partner is saying and help you to:
• Mirror
• Validate, and
• Empathize
with his or her point of view, without necessarily agreeing with it.
In the same way that regular practice of Yoga helps you find a deeper connection to your inner self, practicing the couples dialogue over time will lead to a deeper emotional connection between you and your partner.
DIRECTIONS
Choose who will be the Sender and the Receiver. The Sender talks for a few minutes, sending the message he or she wants the receiver to hear. For example:
• I get frustrated when you….
• That time when we were at…and I wanted to…, you didn’t…. and I felt…
• I felt hurt when you…even though I know you didn’t mean it.
• When you said…I felt…
MIRRORING
When the Sender has completed the message, the Receiver mirrors or summarizes what the Sender has said. For example:
• Let me see if I get what you’re saying.
• What I hear you saying is…
• What you’re telling me that you’re feeling is…
• Did I get it?
• Is there more about it that you want to tell me?
VALIDATION
Now the Receiver validates the Sender’s message. For example:
• Even though I would have felt differently in your place, it makes sense to me that you felt…because…
• I can see what you’re saying because…
• You make sense to me because…
Note: The Receiver is not obligated to agree with the Sender but it’s essential that the Receiver really understands the logic and feels the emotional truth of the Sender’s experience.
EMPATHY
This is the Receiver’s moment of golden opportunity to move the Sender by making him or her feel deeply, emotionally understood, not just the Sender’s words but the feeling or subtext expressed in the words. For example:
• If in doubt, ask : Is this what you’re feeling?.....
• I can imagine what you might have felt like when…
• I can sense what you’re feeling now that you’ve explained it more deeply.
• Did I get your feeling right?
SWITCHING ROLES
When the Receiver has gone through all three stages – Mirroring, Validation, Empathy – then he or she can say: “I’d like to respond now.”
The Receiver now becomes the Sender who can now respond to the earlier message or express entirely different thoughts and feelings about his or her experience.
If you would like to try couple's therapy, please call André Moore for a FREE phone consultation on (212) 673-4618 or (646) 239-9112.