Creative Role Playing for Couples
Couples often fall into the habit of hiding their feelings whenever they have conflicting desires and this always has a toxic effect on their relationship. Anger and resentment build up and eventually the little happinesses they enjoy together - wonderful sex, feelings of peace, safety, contentment - are weakened or spoiled. As a result, couples can require marital counseling to get back on track. Take John and Laura, the third couple described on the Genograms page.
When John and Laura agreed to spend more time together by having a family day with their 12-month old daughter Laura at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, they both made a mess of it. Right after they left the gardens, Laura felt the urge to run back to the office to finish a work project and John immediately gave into her. He drove her into Manhattan where they got stuck in a two hour traffic jam. By the time they got home, Susan, was crying, John was totally pissed and Laura felt like a complete failure as a wife and mother.
The subtext of John's and Laura's ruined family day - the unconscious dance they did together to cause it - looks like this: John greatly facilitated Laura's impulse to sabotage it. It never once occurred to him to simply let Laura take the subway into Manhattan if she wanted to work so badly. Laura would probably have been shocked if he'd just let her go instead of giving into her so easily and, on top of everything else, volunteering to be her chauffeur.
In a subsequent family counseling session I asked John and Laura to play an improvisational scene, like actors without a script, in which they replayed their family day, only with John playing Laura and Laura playing John. Here's the manifest dialogue they came up with followed by their subtext in brackets:
John as Laura
Sweetheart, I know this is sudden but I'm worried about my work project. I just have to get back to the office and put more time on it. I promise absolutely not to take more than an hour.
[Typical cutesy thing she does to slip out of her responsibilities as a wife and mother]
Laura as John
But I was so looking forward to . . . Well, as long as it only takes you an hour.
[His usual response, the long suffering martyr]
John as Laura
Sweetheart, what were you looking forward to? No, let me guess. You want to go home, grill some chicken and watch the ballgame while Susan takes her nap.
[For once, just once, she'll show an interest in what I want]
Laura as John
You're right, sweetheart, but I'll get loads more satisfaction playing the martyr with you than I'd get chomping on chicken legs, watching the Yankees walk all over the Mets. I mean, nothing could ever be more thrilling than being walked on by you.
[A good chance to zap him on his selfless fucking martyrdom which always drives me nuts]
John as Laura
(Laughs, suddenly inspired)
Darling, this time would you like me to wear spiked heels?
[OK, let's have some fun with my precious martyrdom]
Laura as John
(With a lecherous look)
Darling, you know perfectly well I'd prefer you'd do me in your bare feet.
[Oh, I just love him when he plays like this! Feel like I've got my John back again]
John and Laura both break up in laughter.
The Value of Switching Roles
Since John and Laura are both imaginative souls who have a great sense of humor, the temptation to mock each other in the role reversal was just too much to resist. They also couldn't resist sneaking in their own desires, even while playing the other. The role reversal thus became a good way for them to get more insight on how they each contribute unconsciously to Laura's bad habit of trying to walk all over John and his bad habit of giving into her by always taking the high road.
The best part for John is the insight he got on Laura's need for limits in their relationship and the discovery of his pleasure in providing them. The best part for Laura is the sense of security she got when John responded to her challenge, this time by laughing at himself.