• “Somewhere…we acquired a belief that genes were self-actualizing; that genes made decisions… all of a sudden the gene would say, “Oh, time for cancer!” and then you would end up with cancer.”

• “…what has been found [with epigenetics] is that genes are just…blueprints.”

• “Epigenetics is about the fact that we are beginning to understand who reads the blueprints, who engages the blueprints, and who can modify the blueprints.”

• And guess who can read and modify them?”…Genes are in fact controlled by how we respond to or perceive the world around us.”

• “There is a tremendous amount of power in the life of an individual to influence the expression of his or her genes.”

• “…the American Cancer Society came out very recently and said over 60% of the cancer that we see in this world is basically due to lifestyle.” “Well, you have the gene but depending on how you live, how you respond, what your belief systems are, the expression of the gene could be modified.” 

• One of our clients – a married guy in his late forties – provides a beautiful illustration of this, only with another disease, Diabetes Type II. A while back he had a sample of his saliva analyzed by a genetic testing service to determine his genetic propensity to be afflicted with 21 major diseases. It turned out that based on his genes he had a way above average probability of 50% of being afflicted with Diabetes Type II. He further had a high genetic propensity for obesity. Indeed the genes for Diabetes Type II and Obesity are linked by the FTO gene, commonly referred to by genetic researches as “The Fatso Gene.” So when our client and his wife got the test results they had a big, hearty laugh because this guy is 5′ 8” tall, weighs a lean 168 lbs and does resistance work in a gym four times a week with his personal trainer, in addition to one-hour bike circuits three times a week around Manhattan.

Given this dude’s lifestyle (and it should come as no surprise that his wife does Yoga three times a week), the odds are virtually Zero that he’ll ever be afflicted with Diabetes Type II or suffer from Obesity. And this doesn’t mean that he and his wife can’t hop over the Brooklyn Bridge once a month – on their bicycles, of course – for a large pizza washed down with a few cold Manhattan Brews at Grimaldi’s.

In 1947, a young man attended a reading that Robert Frost gave at Bowdin College. The man asked Frost which of the poems he had written was his favorite. Frost replied that he liked them all equally. But after the reading, the poet invited the man on stage and told him that his favorite was Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. He explained that one year on December 22, the winter solstice, he realized that he and his wife wouldn’t be able to afford Christmas presents for their children. Frost wasn’t a very successful farmer but he scrounged up some produce from his farm, hitched up his horse and took a wagon into town to try and sell enough produce to buy some gifts. He couldn’t sell a single thing. As evening came and it began to snow, he headed home.  On the way, he was overwhelmed with the shame of telling his family about his failure and, as if his horse sensed his mood, it stopped and Frost cried. He told the young man that he “bawled like a baby.” Eventually the horse jingled it’s bells, Frost collected himself and headed back home to his family.

Frost’s daughter Lesley later agreed that this was the inspiration for his poem and said she remembered the horse whose name was Eunice. She also recalled that her father told her, “A man has as much right as a woman to a good cry now and then. The snow gave me shelter. The horse understood and gave me the time.”

Here is Frost’s poem:

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

• Look for openings to help couples discover solution building rather than problem solving language.

• Encourage couples to develop new, larger boundaries so they can experience easier, more flexible give and take in their day to day relations.

• Help couples create new meanings and new ways of understanding old problems.

• Encourage lovers to own their own agendas without hiding from each other or going underground.

• Help couples enjoy their own unique values, opinions and attitudes in a lively, spirited, on-going debate that makes for a more exciting and passionate intimate relationship. The solution focused therapist will always help couples celebrate rather than hide their differences.

• Focus on solutions instead of dwelling on old problematic ways of understanding and suffering through old conflicts.

• Look for quick, actionable solutions over the course of 3 to 4 sessions.

Call Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City at (646) 580-5451 for a more detailed description of Brief Solution Focused Therapy for Couples: A cost effective  therapy for hard economic times and financial stress.

Our collaborative divorce coaching is based on the key assumption that there is no such thing as a broken family. There are only families in transition – of all shapes, ages and sizes – that are challenged to adapt to new life circumstance and changed emotions.

Our short-term collaborative divorce coaching specifically:

• Identifies, clarifies and prioritizes the concerns of every family member
• Facilitates meaningful communication during negotiations over property, spousal support, child support and the children’s long-term educational needs.
• Helps establish of a good parenting plan solidly grounded in the emotional needs of the children.
• Orients and educates attorneys regarding the emotional needs of family members.
• Helps separating spouses make the painful transition to single parent families.

Call us at (646) 580-5451 for a telephone consultation.