What does love actually look like on a Tuesday evening? Not the curated version, not candles and roses, but the real, lived, imperfect version that sustains a relationship through years and seasons?
Jan Beatty’s poem Modern Love, featured in her collection Boneshaker, captures something that most romantic poetry quietly ignores: the tender urgency of ordinary devotion. The rushed dishwasher. The leftover burritos ordered in haste. The wide sweep of papers off the bed. These are not failures of romance; they are romance, reframed by the lens of genuine, committed love.
As a couples therapist practicing in New York City, I regularly share this poem with clients. It speaks directly to something I see in my office every week: partners who believe love should feel effortless, and who quietly suffer when the reality of shared life, the mess, the fatigue, the imperfect gestures, makes them doubt whether they’re doing it right.
Beatty’s poem is a permission slip. It says: This is enough. You are enough. And it says it beautifully.
Modern Love: Jan Beatty, Boneshaker
Early evening, five minutes before
you’re due home, I slam the dishes
in the dishwasher, squeeze rivers
of 409 onto the kitchen floor and
counters, smear it white with too many
paper towels, check the clock, listen
for the doorbell of your arriving.
Love, this is not my dreamscape, my answer to romance’s longing – but love.
Still I grab old food from the refrigerator and sail it into the trash, call for take-out with the breathy voice of a woman in want—burritos again,
with enough jalapeño to make our eyes
water.
Strange new world this shape
of your love: the details of your lives
stacked in piles of tabloids, month-
old pretzels in their lonely bag, and yes,
the paint peeling off the porch since spring,
no time now to wash the clothes.
I do the only thing a woman in love can:
clear papers off the bed with a wide sweep,
slide in the video, pour the soft drinks,
so you can eat in your element, your little city;
so you can tear open time to find the heart,
heart enough for you to fill your bellies and
fill your bodies with each other until
you surface to yourselves again, until you are
the only ones here tonight, and the look
in your eyes looking at me is the beautiful
sight.
And my only complaints are two:
that I didn’t make myself ready
for you sooner in life, that
I can’t give better,
Love you more.
Jan Beatty · Boneshaker
Why This Poem Matters in Couples Therapy NYC
Many couples arrive in my office believing they have fallen out of love, when what has actually happened is that they have fallen into life. The grocery runs, and the cluttered counters and the take-out containers don’t signal the end of romance. They are the texture of a life genuinely shared.
Beatty’s speaker doesn’t lament the mess. She moves through it with love as her compass, creating connection in the only window of time available. That capacity to choose presence and intimacy even within constraint is precisely what couples therapy helps partners rediscover and strengthen.
The poem’s closing lines carry particular weight: “my only complaints are two: that I didn’t make myself ready for you sooner in life, that I can’t give better.” This is not inadequacy; it is the language of someone who loves so fully that the love itself feels insufficient to hold it all. That is not a problem to be solved. That is a relationship worth tending.
Ready to Rediscover Your Connection? Contact Andre Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York
Whether you’re navigating distance, conflict, or simply the quiet drift that life brings, couples therapy can help you find your way back to each other. Andre Moore, LMFT, brings warmth, clinical expertise, and nearly two decades of experience helping New York City couples build the relationships you actually want.
Consultations are confidential, judgment-free, and available in-person and online. Call Andre Moore, LMFT, at 212-673-4618 for a consultation.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it weird to seek couples therapy if we aren’t married?
Not at all. Couples therapy is designed for relationships, not for marital status.
Many partners seek therapy while dating, living together, or navigating long-term commitment without marriage. In fact, starting therapy earlier in a relationship can be especially valuable. It allows you to build strong communication patterns and address challenges before they become deeply ingrained.
How do I know if we need couples counselling?
Couples often benefit from counselling long before a relationship reaches a breaking point. If conversations regularly turn into arguments, if emotional distance is growing, or if issues remain unresolved despite repeated attempts to address them, therapy can be valuable. It is equally appropriate for couples who simply want to strengthen your connection and communicate more effectively.
How long does couples therapy usually take?
The duration of therapy depends on the goals of the couple and the complexity of the challenges they are facing. Some couples attend for a few months to address specific concerns, while others choose longer-term work to deepen emotional understanding and reshape long-standing patterns. Consistency and engagement tend to influence outcomes more than a fixed timeline.
Can couples therapy really help if we argue a lot?
Frequent conflict does not mean a relationship is beyond repair. In many cases, it indicates that important emotional needs are not being clearly expressed or understood. Couples therapy helps partners identify the underlying patterns driving conflict and develop healthier ways of communicating, which can significantly reduce tension and improve connection.
