The acid test on how well you understand your lover is always when your lover says or does something it would never occur to you to say or do under any circumstances. So when it happens it comes at you right out of the blue. Here are some examples I’ve found in working with couples at Relationship Restoration in New York City:
• You are walking your dogs, Cindy and George, and you’ve used up the poop bags. So just when you are ready to enter your apartment building, George takes a big dump at the street curb. So what does your partner do? They apologize to the whole neighborhood! Then they plead with the invisible neighbors to excuse them because this has only happened once in the past three years!
• As you are leaving the movie theater, you realize you’ve lost your cell phone so you go back to find it and your partner yells at you over the heads of 30 people still in the theater to move faster because you will be late for dinner.
• You are having a heated political discussion over dinner with some acquaintances who aren’t too bright and your partner automatically takes their side just to placate them. They don’t even let you try to explain your position even though you believe they’re too overwhelmed to understand or appreciate it.
• No matter what event you go to – dinner, a movie, a concert – your partner always finds last minute stuff to do and you wind up either rushing to get there or arriving late. You’ve never arrived on time for a movie in almost five years of your relationship!
So how do you rate yourself on the following criteria in dealing with each of the above situations. Use a scale of 1 to 5 (5 = Very Good and 1 = Very Poor):
1. How curious am I about my lover’s behavior?
2. How likely am I to encourage my lover to describe what he or she had in mind when they did what they did?
3. How likely am I to test my understanding of my lover’s behavior by summarizing what he or she had in mind when they did what they did and then ask them to grade me?
4. How well can I imagine what it was actually like to be in my lover’s shoes when he or she did what they did?
A tough test for any body, especially when you would never, ever do what your lover did. See: The Couples Dialog, the Secret to a Healthy Relationship with your Lover for a more detailed guide on understanding your lover.
