How to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Marriage

couples therapy

The first few years of a marriage are usually marked by excitement and romantic bliss. During this period, love grows and your partner becomes more of an integral part of your life. After all, being married is one of the greatest joys in life! However, it can be challenging to sustain happiness throughout the course of a relationship when faced with real-life struggles.

As time passes, tolerance levels start simmering and annoyances start mounting, making it difficult to keep things on the same track as it once was at the beginning of the relationship.

Losing the spark in a long-term relationship is inevitable, and it happens to almost everyone, whether they are in a marriage or any other long-term relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the happy journey. 

There are many ways to reignite the spark in your marriage and enjoy new moments with your partner. Here are some tips recommended by a relationship counseling expert to help prevent the spark from fading away from your married life.

What Is the “Spark” in a Relationship? 

Most people have experienced the “spark” at some point in their lives – the feeling of instant attraction towards someone they meet for the first time. The feeling of falling head over heels in love with somebody after spending a short time with them. A “spark” is that amazing feeling you had when you went on a date with a potential lover and felt butterflies fluttering inside your stomach. It’s when you can’t wait to see someone and spend time with them. You know what it feels like, don’t you? Well, this is what the spark is all about.

Any feeling that defines the chemistry between you and your partner is the “spark” of your relationship. The “spark” is part of why you don’t judge your partner and simply love them the way they are. Think of a special moment you had together and how you still remember the feelings with all your heart. Needless to say, the “spark” is why a moment like that created such an authentic and visceral experience.

Some couples feel the “spark” in an overwhelming, magnetic way. Others feel the “spark” in a quieter, but just as strong way. Every relationship is unique, so the “spark” and how you experience it are different from other people’s relationships.

Reasons Why Long-Term Marriages Can Lose their Spark 

Let’s face it, no relationship is perfect. Every couple has its ups and downs and goes through difficulties. You shouldn’t blame yourself if you find a situation where the spark is becoming less and less enthralling. Sometimes, life happens and romance gets pushed to the back burner.

The good thing is that you can reignite that faded spark and get closer to your partner again. To start, it’s helpful to examine some reasons why marriages lose their spark.

You Have Conflicting Schedules 

Life has gotten busier and you have a lot on your plate, such as excelling at work, raising kids, taking care of elderly parents, fulfilling community obligations, and much more. What about your partner? They probably have just as much going on as you do. Finding an evening to actually spend time together might seem impossible. This conflict of schedules is one of the significant reasons why the spark in a marriage fades away over time. 

The good news is that this is fixable with proper communication, understanding, and conscious effort to make time for each other.

You Don’t Prioritize Your Physical Connection 

A saying goes, “Intimacy is not just physical; it is the deep bond of knowing.” If you’re not prioritizing physical connection in your relationship, then chances are, the intimacy level is low, which means less spark.

A lack of intimacy can mean less understanding and might lead to fights and arguments. You’ll probably spend more time doing tasks around the house instead of spending quality time with your spouse.

Sex isn’t just a physical act; in a healthy relationship, it’s more of an expression of true love. Intimacy also offers a variety of physical and mental health benefits. When you prioritize sexual activity and connection, your relationship can be full of fun and excitement.

You Don’t Communicate Effectively 

When there’s nothing being communicated, everything ends up being left unsaid. Whether it’s a small issue or a big issue, one partner feeling unhappy about something will bury the spark. Open communication builds trust and helps relationships thrive. Talking about problems shows respect and understanding, which is what you want from your partner.

However, you might feel hurt and frustrated if you’re constantly hiding your emotions. Communication in a relationship is the key to unlocking happiness, so try talking about anything that bothers you.

Sometimes, you need to learn how to communicate your thoughts effectively because you and your partner were raised differently. To tackle this problem, call Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City at (212) 673-4618 and speak to a knowledgeable marriage counselor. Our team of counselors has experience with all types of relationship issues or relationship distress and can work with you on having effective communication in your relationship.

You Have Stopped Trying New Things and Growing Together 

When was the last time you tried something new with your partner? If you can’t recall it, this could be another reason for the spark fading in your married life. Trying things together lets you and your partner experience the thrill of new all over again, which creates a stronger bond.

As you both grow together, experiencing and learning new things about yourselves and each other, you get to know your partner on a deeper level. As a result, it keeps you endlessly fascinated with your ever-evolving partner.

You Are Taking Each Other for Granted 

We all need to feel appreciated, especially in a relationship. Taking your partner for granted is a tell-tale sign that the spark is not the same anymore.

It’s easy to become lazy when you’ve been together for years, and before you realize it, you start treating your romantic partner like any other person. It’s not just about forgetting special dates or anniversaries; you can also lose the spark if you overlook their efforts to be a good partner and forget to show gratitude in daily life. However, to save your marriage, you must make significant improvements in showing appreciation and affection towards your spouse. 

You Fight Too Much 

Conflicts, disagreements, and arguments are inevitable parts of life and romantic relationships. But when this fighting becomes constant or crosses the line, it hinders the foundation of your relationship and may also affect your partner’s feelings toward you.

Your spark might be waning if you find yourself fighting with your partner all the time, even if it is over mundane things. Any fight will only worsen matters, leaving both of you angry and upset. Arguing and fighting can also lead to other problems, such as lack of communication and inadequate physical intimacy.

It’s better to deal with issues head-on and resolve them without getting too heated. Calm and honest confrontations about issues can actually be good for a relationship and decrease conflict in other areas.

👉 Related: Good and Bad Fights for Couples

You Are Not Giving Space to Your Partner 

Just like taking your partner for granted results in loss of spark, invading your partner’s personal space and dominating their time does the same. Being a couple does not mean your partner can’t have some independence and privacy. 

Everyone needs time to watch their favorite TV shows, spend time with their friends, or go on a solo trip to rejuvenate. Not creating this healthy space may affect the relationship, resulting in less spark than before.


Keeping the spark alive is what keeps your relationship strong. If you have a weakening spark, you should address it immediately. Remember, you can always try new solutions to your relationship issues. Contact our expert marriage counseling therapists in New York City if you feel like you’ve hit a wall in your relationship. We’ll work hard to reignite the spark of your marriage – even if it seems impossible. Couples therapy unlocks hidden feelings and can lead to extraordinary breakthroughs.


How Can You Keep the Spark Alive?

Keeping the spark alive doesn’t mean completely changing your relationship. Instead, you have to learn how to nurture it so that the spark continues to shine bright.

Here are some ways to do this:

Focus on the Quality of Time You Have Together Rather than the Quantity

Things that work for other relationships may not work for yours. For example, if one of your friends raves about going to the movies twice a week with their partner, it doesn’t mean doing the same will help your relationship. Don’t try to copy other people’s relationships, but instead focus on the things that you and your partner enjoy together.

Instead of concentrating on the quantity of dates or the amount of time you spend together, focus on doing quality things you love together. It can be as simple as exercising or going on a long drive. Or it can be special events like going to a museum exhibit or a restaurant opening.

Once you are on track with spending quality time together, you can focus on increasing the quantity. The spark will naturally come back the more enjoyable time you have together.

Communicate Your Love in Ways Other than Saying “I Love You

Love isn’t just about saying the words; it’s also about showing it through actions. You can show your loved ones that they mean a lot to you in many different ways.

One way is to express gratitude. Say something like, “Thank you for being here when I needed you” Or “I appreciate your support and guidance“.

Another way is to communicate affection and care through small acts. Make them their favorite dinner or attend an event you aren’t interested in, but know they enjoy. Showing your partner how much you know and love them will make them want to reciprocate.

👉 Try This: Poems to Love Smarter

Check In with Your Partner Every Day

When couples get busy or stressed, they tend to become distant from each other. Try checking in with your partner once a day to avoid this happening.

Ask them what they did all day. Listen to their stories without judging them. Then, tell them what you did during the day and the high or low points. This helps keep communication lines open between partners.

You may even want to check in with them in the morning and ask what you can do for them that day. In the same way, you can tell them how they can help you if you have a tough day ahead and need their support.

Dress Up to Surprise Your Partner 

You can surprise and, at the same time, impress your partner by dressing up for no particular reason. When your partner sees you put in a little extra effort, they feel important and special. It shows them that you value them and want to look good for them.

This simple trick has been used successfully over centuries because it works. Try it and see!

Improve Relationship Satisfaction with Physical Contact

Physical touch, such as kissing, holding hands, and cuddling, can help you both come closer again and keep the flame alive. Make sure to show physical affection to your partner whenever you can. 

You can even schedule intimacy dates to ensure you and your partner find time from your busy schedules to be physically present with one another. 

Revisit Old Favorites

Try to do activities you and your spouse used to do together at the beginning of your relationship. If you do the things that first made you laugh, hold hands, and fall in love with your partner, then your bond will be stronger than ever before.

Try New Things Together 

Nowadays, there is an abundance of new hobbies to try and adventures to be had with your partner. This could be anything from taking a cooking class to exploring a nearby hiking trail to visiting a foreign country. Through having new experiences together, you and your partner might learn new things about each other, but will also recognize the deep connection that is still there. Plan something together and give it a shot!

Be Sensitive and Understand Your Partner’s Love Language May Differ From Yours 

Everyone has a different way of expressing and receiving love. For some, it’s words of affirmation; for others, it is acts of service. Try to understand the love language your partner speaks and wants you to speak. This information will make it easy for you to win their hearts again. 

As per the expert counselors at Marriage Couples Counseling in New York, couples that want to ignite the spark in long-term married life should learn about the “Five Love Languages” to develop better communication. The Gottman Research Institute has backed the effectiveness of these five languages. 

Here’s are some brief tips for each love language:

Words of Affirmation Never Fail to Work 

Encouraging and praising your partner, such as saying “good job” after they accomplish any small task or saying thank you for simply being there, can do wonders. Explicitly tell your partner you feel special after everything they have done for you.

Focus on Physical Touch 

Hugs, kisses, and holding hands aren’t limited to new couples. You can still use these gestures to express your love for your partner after many years of marriage.

Everyone Loves Gifts 

Giving thoughtful gifts to your partner helps you express your love and gratitude. These gifts don’t necessarily have to be expensive, but they should be personal to show you truly know them. They also don’t have to be objects; you can arrange a special event or trip.

Spend More Quality Time 

Spending quality time with your partner helps you grow closer and shows you like them. Going on walks, having dinner dates, and taking weekend getaways are easy ways to spend quality time together.

Acts of Service Will Make Them Love You More 

Handling the small things like cooking dinner, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, washing the car, and other domestic chores will show your partner you want to make their life easier.

👉 Read 12 Healthy Relationship Goals for a Happy Marriage

Let Couples Therapists at Marriage Couples Counseling in NYC Help You Rekindle Your Flame

If you’re struggling with keeping the spark that once existed between you and your partner, try using the tips above to rekindle your relationship. Furthermore, you can reach out to a couples therapist who specializes in marriage counseling to discuss your concerns. They will provide the guidance and support you need to successfully reignite your passion and continue to have a healthy and happy relationship.

Sometimes, you need an experienced advisor to get started. At Marriage Couples Counseling NYC, our dedicated team will be there for you when you need us most. Our seasoned couples therapist can help you and your partner understand each other better while providing tools for maintaining a successful relationship with a few sessions or weekly therapy.

Are you all ready to reignite the spark in your relationship? Give Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City a call at (212) 673-4618. We can help you restart your relationship with our proven narrative therapy techniques.

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    Marriage Couples Counseling & Life Coaching
    160 Bleecker Street, 9C East, New York, NY 10012
    (212) 673 4618

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